Reflections on 21st Century Life

Okay... I'm getting fed up with the Global Warming hysteria. Everytime something happens weather-wise people seem to jump at blaiming it on global warming. You see it almost everyday. Someone...somewhere is wringing their hands together decrying the impact of global warming... in magazines & newspapers, in the movies, the nightly newscast... for Christ-sake give it a rest.

And despite all the attention being paid to it... no one (Al Gore and Michael Moore notwithstanding) seems to know the reason behind it without immediately being contradicted by someone else with different facts & figures. The culprits apparently range from auto emissions to aerosols to cows farting. I'm not kidding. Otherwise decent people, of whom you wouldn't have a second thought about letting into your house to use the phone, come up with some really wacky opinions when it comes to the topic of global warming.

Now... the first question is... do I believe that global warming is occurring? The answer is .... Yes. From everything I've heard from a myriad of sources... the Earth does appear to be warming up... ever so slightly. Guess what... it's happened before... and it will happen again. There's this bright shiny thing in the sky called the Sun which periodicly goes through temperature cycles lasting for thousands of years. If you're looking for a guilty party in this debate... the Sun is a good place to start.

The next question is... can we do anything about it... in a meaningful sustained way. The answer is... nah... I don't think so. Not unless we want to change the course of human development so that the year 2107 has us partying like it's Thirteen Ninety-Nine.

And right there... I'm guilty of the assumption that humans are able to both cause global warming or prevent it. See how subtle that was. I submit that there are things that humans have little power to affect... one way or the other. For only if you assume that humans are somehow behind this global warming thing can you make the next leap and assume that we can do something about it... the usual solution being to stop doing what we're doing.

Today... as I was using up precious hydrocarbons whilst driving home in my environmentally-challenged, yet economical Honda Civic; I noticed a large group of well-dressed and freshly-scrubbed soccer-moms and day-care providers. They were minding an even larger group of happy-faced cherubs busily engaged in playful activities in the community-subsidized local park. It started me thinking... what would this group be doing on a Wednesday morning in 1399.

Well... for starters... there would be no park... heck, I don't even think there'd be soccer yet. Instead of minding the kids, mom would be out in the field picking up vegetables of opportunity or following livestock around to collect dung in order to have fuel for the family stove. In most cases her kids would be right there with her... but they wouldn't be swinging on swings... depending upon their ages kids would either be strapped to her back or helping with the hunting & gathering. There would be no WIC, no Medicare, no child-stipend, and no daycare taxcredits to fall back on. Mom's clothes wouldn't be Downy-fresh but then again she wouldn't be distressed over static-cling either.

Get my point?

All these doomsayers in the Global Warming panic industry sometimes forget (as they're hurrying to their next speaking engagement in private jets and limos) that life in 1399 wasn't pretty. Children were labelled as "gifted" on the basis of whether or not they could find enough to eat. ADD, ADHD, Epstein Bar and all the other really scary modern afflications took a back seat to things like polio, smallpox and bubonic plague. If you managed to sneak in a 40th birthday, you were doing really well.

Now... do we really want to stop doing what we're doing and revert back to living Waddle & Daub condos? I don't think so. And yet, there are people out there... enviro-fascists that deem themselves purveyors of the holy truth... that are advocating this very thing.

Let's not forget... these are the same people that have been telling us since the 70s that the Amazon forrest is being clear-cut to nothing. Why... they breathlessly quote statistics telling us that every year an area the size of Great Britain is being cut down... and all to make room for grazing land so that Amazonian farmers can sell beef to McDonald's. Excuse me... but thats's total crap... and we've all heard it said. Take a minute... do the calculations for yourself. That's 37 Great Britains worth of "old-growth forrest" gone missing from the Amazon since 1970? I don't think so...

Omigosh they say... we're destoying the "lungs of the world"!!!!! Have you heard this? Yep... you have. It's clever... I admit... this idea that the Amazon forrest is taking in CO2 and leaving us oxygen... just like lungs.

But it's bullshit too. Vegetation of the type found in the Amazon is a net producer of CO2... not oxygen. And it doesn't take long to discover this for yourself if you take a minute rather than defer to the hysteria driven Greenies.

They have no credibility as far as I'm concerned... and that's the REAL inconvenient truth of it.

So... the Earth is heating up. Okay fine. You want me to do without nearly all the life-enhancing/sustaining progress that the Industrial revolution has given humanity... and for what? So the sea doesn't rise? Only polar bears and Dutch people are really worried about that.

Don't talk to me about it... have a word with the Chinese. In their rush to send us defective toys and poisonous pet food... they produce far more CO2 than we do. Of course, Kyoto doesn't affect them either... so while they're "developing" and "emerging"... we'll be back in the Middle Ages breathing their air.

And the Earth will still be getting warmer...

No comment is necessary

The fact that you immediately get the joke is a searing indictment of the Catholic church.

And here's where I throw in the gratuitious line about the priesthood ... and how it's looking to alter boys.

Bad Logo

As you all know, I'm a charitable sort of guy and like nothing more than to donate my time to worthy causes.

Recently, I had occasion to visit the Michael Jackson Burn Ward on the 1st floor of the Arlington Pediatric Center and took a picture of their logo.

Frankly, I think they could have done a better job.

My D-Day story

I know most of you have probably seen this picture many times before. It was taken by an Army photographer on June 5th 1944... right before our unit was due to drop behind the lines as part of the Normandy landings on D-Day.

But what you don't know is the real story behind the photo.

Well, I promised "Scratchy Lee"... he's the fellow standing to my left in front of Eisenhower wearing the number 23... that when he finally passed away, the truth would be told. Scratchy died yesterday at a VA hospital in McLean Virginia at the age of 91. His last words to me were "Let 'em know, boy!"

The night before the drop; Scratchy, me, and a guy we called Brooklyn Bob got into a mix-up at the Officer's Club at Biggin Hill outside of London. We had snuck in for a drink and everything was going fine until Brooklyn Bob started arguing with some Brit bar-tender over the proper way to spell "draft" beer. It seems Bob got confused when he saw it spelled "draught" behind the bar.

Next thing you know, Scratchy leaps over the bar and starts pounding on this poor bar-tender. Brooklyn and I are pulling Scratchy off the guy when the MPs show up. Now, Scratchy... who got his name because he always managed to pick up lice in the London brothels... is in no mood to let it go. He starts wailing on the MPs and before long the whole place is in an uproar. Bottles start flying everywhere...MPs are yelling to break it up... chairs and tables are getting thrown... it was a madhouse.

Turns out… Ike was upstairs with some floozy skirt and was highly distressed that the commotion was breaking his concentration. The next day, he lines us up on the airfield parade ground and this is when the photographer took the picture. Ike is looking at Scratchy and Brooklyn Bob saying "Look, you assholes. It's spelled D-R-A-U-G-H-T... get it?"

By the way... and this is the part Scratchy didn't want me to let on... the number 23 he's wearing is actually a haze that the platoon sergeant made him put on. It stands for the number of times we had to push Scratchy out of the plane to make him jump.

Anyway... now you know the story.

More Nonsense from our Elected "Leadership"

Just when you think it's safe to go outside...

The last week or so I've been basking in the afterglow of my victory in the war on crime here in Baltimore. As you know, since I started the "DIS-believe" campaign, the homicide rate has fallen from nearly one a day to almost zero. Thats right. Unless someone gets capped between now and the evening news... we will have had a week without some drug dealer or Greenmount Avenue "ho" catching one in the head.

And it's all thanks to me.

But now, it looks like I'm going to have to swing into action once again. The latest news from Baltimore City Mayor Sheila Dixon is that because Baltimore is in danger of sinking into the harbour under the weight of its own garbage... something needs to be done.

And that something is... get ready...

We're going to spend $2 million dollars on another ad campaign with the catchy slogan "Don't make excuses. Make a difference." That's right. You can expect the city to begin sprouting billboards to this effect.

Pardon my profanity but... My slogan would read something like "Baltimore is a Shitter because You Litter."

Personally I think my slogan would not only meet the target audience at a comfortable reading level... it would also raise awareness by garnering more press buzz.

The problem is they'll never use my idea... even after my success at ending crime downtown. Why? Couldn't tell you. I suspect somebody on the city council must have a brother-in-law working in an ad agency.

To recap the past effectiveness of Baltimore sloganeering... the "Baltimore: The City the Reads" campaign has left us with the third lowest graduation rate in the country. The "Believe" campaign, before I effectively ended it, gave us the distinction of having one of the nation's highest per capita murder rates.

So... going on our track record... the new anti-garbage sloganeering will have Baltimore knee-deep in trash by Christmas.

And you know what... if Dixon gets re-elected... which is a probability at this stage-- Baltimore will deserve everything it gets.

C'mon 'n DISBELIEVE, hon!

My anti-BELIEVE campaign has been underway for just under a month now... 29 days to be exact... and it has been an overwhelming success. The citizens of Baltimore have really gotten together behind my push to do away with the BELIEVE signs.

I've termed my campaign... the DIS-believe program because we're diss-ing the people that spent our tax dollars on such unmitigated drivel in the first place.

How do I know my DIS-Believe campaign is working?

Simple. Since the start of the DIS-Believe campaign on July 9th there have been only 4 homicides in Baltimore City. This is significantly below the city average of nearly one a day that the city was experiencing while it was BELIEVE-ing. It's so far below the average that the difference can't be passed off as a mere statistical anomaly.

My campaign is working.

So c'mon Baltimore. Let's all pitch in and make the city safe by DIS-Believing.

Brushing Your Teeth Could Be Hazardous to Your Health

Back in the 1980s the US Army awarded me the classification "Eleven Bravo". This classification meant that in case of war... as a combat infantryman I would be among the first to have the honor of laying down my life for the country. And in as much as I was not quite enamored at the prospect, I was careful to pay attention to world events so at least I'd know who was doing the shooting.

To this day I remember one Sergeant telling my squad that if we didn't shape up, the Army was going to drop us in between China and Vietnam (who were in the midst of a pretty nasty firefight at the time) and let both sides take shots at us. Being a pretty hep cat, I wasn't too worried about it because I thought the chances of my squad getting sent anywhere were small. So China missed its chance to have a go at one Private Russell.

Seems they've been having a go at me afterall. Those crafty Chinese have been selling fake Colgate toothpaste to us unwitting Americans. Not only is the toothpaste fake but it contains all kinds of pleasant chemical ingredients... like anti-freeze. Yuck. Just for kicks I thought I'd check to see if I had one of these fake tubes and ...sure enough, I did.

Before you freak out and start running for the medicine cabinet, in all fairness I didn't buy it here in the States. I bought my bogus Colgate in Australia. Still, it may be worth checking when you have a moment. The label is a tip-off. In addition to misspelled words, it won't have the official ADA seal.

So I've been brushing my teeth with fake-o Colgate. Sure, my teeth are white... but I've been poisoning myself for weeks.

On a positive note, I've noticed that I don't have any trouble getting started on cold mornings.

NEWS FLASH: This Just In.

The CNN Weather desk is reporting that massive flooding in Ireland is causing widespread panic.

(courtesy of Remise- our international correspondent)

Arrrrrrrrrgh....

Ahoy maties!!!!
Some of you land-lubbers might not know this... but before I became a Half-Back for the East German All Stars and shadowy international arms dealer... I did a few jobs off the coast of Tortuga. That's right... me, McNab and a bloke we called "Scruffy Frank" sailed the blustery trade winds astride the Spanish Main. I'd still be there today except an emergency appendectomy I performed with a cutlass on one of the crew didn't go so well and I got voted off the ship.

Well... not "voted" exactly.... more like chased.

It wasn't until years later that I got a call from Johnny Depp's agent out in Hollywood... seems Johnny was making a movie about pirates and he wanted to find out how he could be more like me. Naturally I was flattered... but I told him right up front that he could never be like me. However, if he was willingly to listen I'd take him aboard and try to show him a few things.

Although Johnny is a smart guy... he had difficulties getting the mannerisms right and we wound up working for weeks on it. In the meantime, I taught him a few words of English as well. (Many of you probably aren't aware of this but Johnny is actually Lithuanian and couldn't speak a lick of English when we set sail.)

He IS good at geometry though and figured out right away that the Bermuda Triangle is actually a tetrahedron. Except for the Miami day-boaters, cocaine runners, and UFO hunters we kept running into, the time we spent together on the high seas was very enjoyable.

In the end I agreed to let him portray me as a swashbuckling metro-sexual... but ONLY if I got a cut of the DVD sales and post-wrap residuals on the sequel.

He was happy with that... and the rest is history.

Daily Pook Contest

Ok gang...

For the next week or so... depending entirely on the level of response... the Daily Pook is running a "Creative Caption" contest.

Your mission is to come up with a creative caption (duh!) for the following image. I'll post of a few of my own to get things going.



1. "Ya know, Fritz. I think I prefer goose-stepping to break-dancing."

2. "Not much fun in Stalingrad... no"

3. "Otto is our resident mine detector."

4. "For my next trick... I'm going to rap to Deutschland Uber Alles."


Now it's your turn, people!