Arrrrrrrrrgh....

Ahoy maties!!!!
Some of you land-lubbers might not know this... but before I became a Half-Back for the East German All Stars and shadowy international arms dealer... I did a few jobs off the coast of Tortuga. That's right... me, McNab and a bloke we called "Scruffy Frank" sailed the blustery trade winds astride the Spanish Main. I'd still be there today except an emergency appendectomy I performed with a cutlass on one of the crew didn't go so well and I got voted off the ship.

Well... not "voted" exactly.... more like chased.

It wasn't until years later that I got a call from Johnny Depp's agent out in Hollywood... seems Johnny was making a movie about pirates and he wanted to find out how he could be more like me. Naturally I was flattered... but I told him right up front that he could never be like me. However, if he was willingly to listen I'd take him aboard and try to show him a few things.

Although Johnny is a smart guy... he had difficulties getting the mannerisms right and we wound up working for weeks on it. In the meantime, I taught him a few words of English as well. (Many of you probably aren't aware of this but Johnny is actually Lithuanian and couldn't speak a lick of English when we set sail.)

He IS good at geometry though and figured out right away that the Bermuda Triangle is actually a tetrahedron. Except for the Miami day-boaters, cocaine runners, and UFO hunters we kept running into, the time we spent together on the high seas was very enjoyable.

In the end I agreed to let him portray me as a swashbuckling metro-sexual... but ONLY if I got a cut of the DVD sales and post-wrap residuals on the sequel.

He was happy with that... and the rest is history.